It’s not a great year this year. I was looking at pictures of old barns and then I found one:
This is sort of how I feel this Christmas about many things.
The barn symbolizes something to me. I didn’t make cookies and I can’t get into the spirit.
In my family, Christmas was a huge and beautiful thing. But, my family is gone. For some reason this year it has really come home, emotionally for me. I feel things are about to shift and I don’t know what is next.
I have this terrible sense of sadness, but, maybe that is because I feel so wasted right now. Like my life is going to waste — what with the degrees and the work I did in the past.
I have a tree — a nice one. The lights have been really beautiful.
Alone, I’d have a better Christmas with less sadness. Here it is all memories. All the structures have memories of our parents. So, I don’t want to live here — but I am from here. It’s about sense of place? One’s place.
I have always loved old barns. I almost got one once. They remind me of a vanished Americana. In a way. Community barn raisings. I want to move to a smaller more rural place. I just do.
I’m working on the rooms. Yesterday I did the kitchen. I’m looking at all my books and trying to make sense of what to do next. I really am.
Part of me wants to make a new home with a giant sofa. Make a change. I suppose this is this period in life? In the midpoint where there is a shift? I do not feel attached here any more — to this place. I’m just not.
This is the first year I haven’t felt like Christmas in a long time.
I’m not even sure what would fix it right now.
Maybe tomorrow will be different — so Merry Christmas if you come by!
That barn. That barn is in Maine.
The barns out west are different but they collapse in the same kinds of ways in the fields.
I was up early and it is dawn just now.
I did make some gingerbread yesterday. I want something, or I have nostalgia for something but I can’t figure it out. I really can’t. Joie de vivre. My mother would always arrive bearing Bailey’s.
A puppy would solve a little bit. A pup. Two pups.
It’s a mood this morning. It really is.
I hope you are feeling better than I am.