the moody sea

This is one of my favorite beaches.  I have gone there for many years in all weathers and times of light and this is the beach that I wrote my novel Heart of Clouds about.  The cliffs in the novel are just down the beach, the hawks are there too.  So I was there yesterday and took these pictures of the sunset.  There are tiny little wild rabbits that live there in the underbrush and sometimes you can see them if you are very quiet.

The last decade has been so dark, I almost did not survive it.  But, now I want to.

Mostly because I am going to set up my life, my way from now on.

My mother and my grandmother were very critical — very negative at times — and it is part of the class system that they were from.  It ends up really hurting people, sometimes.  The mother in law was worse than my own family, god.  No kidding.  Anyway, they are all gone.  Gone.

Last year I found a little house I wanted right near this beach, and I could have had it too.


I have made up my mind not to stay in this toxic and very painful relationship.

Because it is not me.

I’m very much like my mother’s old friend Patsy, stylistically.  My mother would come over and ask me why I had done certain things or chosen certain things and then she would say, “I never would have chosen that hideous color.”  You see, things like that are negative introjects to a person.  It causes them  to doubt everything?

You can think of negative introjects as if the heart of a person is like a tiny pincushion inside.  Each one of those negative statements is like a pin going in.

One of the happiest summers I ever had was in Patsy’s house, here.  I adored her.  In the next post I’ll show you that style, because, I am going to arrange my life in that style from now on.  I have got to get away from this darkness, and I am going to.

Most of my family’s antiques are dark like these photographs.  Very dark ebony or mahogany?

I like light things.  Yesterday I went out for lunch and stopped in this little shop I love and bought myself a birthday present.  It’s this!  Only, it has been washed in a creamish paint?  It isn’t an antique, but I loved it because it really represents who I am on many levels…

So, anyway, I had to buy myself a present because there weren’t any.  I did.

I also went out for lunch, and walked around the little town I like to the south of here that has little shops I love and things I like to look at.

So — I’m laughing because I have this mascot in my car, now.

I thought of doing something amusing like posing it all over the place and just making photographs of her — it was sort of done already in that film Amelie, but…

The whole idea of that is very amusing to me because of my friend Joseph and his very whimsical paintings and it would give me something to do.

Also, looking at those paintings reminds me of how much I love to work in watercolor, too.  I use it in abstract paintings — kind of colorfield paintings and I just want to make some.  In fact, I want a place to do all these things?

Because here, I cannot.

In all of the rooms in this house there is not even one corner for me.  This computer is that corner.  My window out, I expect.

When that book sells, I shall have the best parties in the world and everyone can come and stay.

J’s friends love classical music, and it was through one of them I was introduced to this:

Astor.  Oh!  Well, it goes with the darkness in these photographs for me.

Astor, like that…

Listening to this is like all of the last decade.

I’m going to get out of that decade now.

I shall show you who I really am, in pictures…

(and maybe because of J’s soul in those paintings, I am inspired to do one as well, damn.)

In the meantime I shall photograph my little mascot with this little camera I have.  I never exactly figured out how to really work the thing — too complicated.  It runs on batteries and it holds like 9 shots at a time, which is dumb.  I used to have a Leica and a proper darkroom — but those have gone the way of all things…

The first thing I’m going to buy is a decent movie camera.

Because, as I am looking at things these days I see footage unfolding that I want to catch.


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