This angel is outside an Antique shop where I have gotten coffee over the last few weeks. A good friend showed me how to use the features in coffee places and so I was lugging this around and doing all that.
You can actually be an indy journo of sorts with this and a camera and a phone. There was a man sitting across from me with two computers and boxes of files. He said he was a financial planner. I watched and thought to myself that he was somehow a representation of what has happened to people who used to be in offices — now they are on the road.
I’m sick to my stomach and can’t really eat at all.
When I am home it’s the worst.
The hard part is realizing how much control of my life he has taken, or that I gave away when I got married.
What is left that is me?
Anyway, I looked at this statue over the last several years. She just sits there along with dozens of others from old mansions where there were splendid gardens once upon a time.
I wanted it, kind of like people might want a Statue of Liberty, but I can’t buy it because he controls all the money — it has been that way too, for years.
I am thinking of my mother and my grandmother this morning and of the family I came from which is very different than his.
I have to save myself.
This entails thinking of myself first and this isn’t a concept that i’m used to? Women in my family always sacrificed themselves for others and that is how we were raised.
Only I can’t anymore.
In my stomach is a leaden weight. It’s a mass of feelings all tangled together with realizations about these last 27 years.
There were some good times early on.
It is half my life?
I took getting married seriously.
I was his third marriage.
People have said to me lately that I am being punished for the failure of the first two. That may be true.
I can’t let him take any more of my life away.
I just can’t.
I didn’t realize how hard the last decade was going to be.
Taking the parents to their end.
The grief afterwards. The careers on hold. The attempt at re-emerging on some other level.
The need to stay alive and try to keep eating and smiling.
This morning is the leaden weight churning. Because I am here.