what did you want your life to be about?




















I called this one “Portal” from a series yesterday.  I wanted to make art — that is how I started when I was young and that is what is left.  I don’t think you can ask yourself this question until you have seen death very personally and this happens later in life for some people like it did for me.

So, there comes a point when you could start adding up years ahead and behind and you can start to think about what it was you wanted or want for the remaining time.  The last decade was lost — well seven years have been lost in terms of being “out there” in the world.  It’s been a kind of gnostic hideaway and time of reflection.

The Beck is a test that assesses for depression and whether that is clinical or not.  Mostly it is used as a very quick way to assess for what we call “suicidal ideation” in clients.  I told Sister Maria, no, don’t worry.

Probably the only thing keeping my spirit alive is that I might make a good mark on the world before I go.

I’ve come to that place.

So, emotional abuse and narcissism and what that all means, subtly — it’s that.

It started when he told me that my kitchen wasn’t a darkroom many years ago.  Thus began the shaping process of my soul here in tandem with his.  The subtle message was “quit.”

There has not been any support of anything I wanted to do in the sense of trying to make sure those things happened.  Which is ironic because one of the first things he ever gave me was a potter’s wheel.  I was taking that in the late 80’s, for fun.  In the years I wanted a child I knew I was not going to be able to work as hard as I was.  It would not be possible under so much stress.  I said, “I can work part time, and we can try and have one.”  I can do pottery on the side.

The accountant where we had our taxes done said, “It’s not a good idea for you to do that.”

I never spoke afterwards about it.  When that idea died in m life, in my early 30’s I was very sad.  I began to unpack most of that yesterday, so, emotional abuse is about when two people have differing ideas about what might be important.

The years I got treatment from a fine therapist led me to make my first change, and change of career.  I went back to school, and I paid for it myself.  No one can take away my education.  It has been a very fine one.

The purpose of getting an education in the first place is to do something with the scholarship, in the end.

Anyway, Sister Maria wanted me to breathe and eat.  These two things have become increasingly difficult for me.

In order to stay alive I am going to have to make some really large changes, very soon.  I am not depressed I just feel very powerless and this is the second time I have had to confront that.  Regaining one’s power when it has been sapped is not the easiest.

I would like to go back to work pretty soon.  Just to be involved with other people again.

My whole identity as a separate individual needs to be rebuilt after 27 years.  So much of myself has been eroded and lost, so I’m looking at light as a source — hence the picture.

Putting myself first is what I have to learn to do — this is the hard thing.  Some people are really good at that.

So, today I am going to try and eat something.  I am not depressed, but for years I have had to live in a state of depression, or carry the depression of another as if I could cheer that up, but I can’t.  Gaining clarity researching emotional abuse in the web.  What it does is keep the soul in an eroded state out of fear and then time marches on while you get more and more marginalized until you are gone.  At least working is a kind of esteem you can keep to yourself — it isn’t anyone else’s.

In a larger sense, across the country think how many people are in this exact same place?

It’s pretty staggering when you think about it.  Indeed.

Also, whole bunches of people can no longer do the things they used to enjoy — I mean even the simplest things that they always did — because they aren’t working and maybe haven’t been for years.  So all these incredibly educated Americans face the nothingness in the moment.  If you gave the Beck to the country it would be pretty amazing wouldn’t it?

A friend asked me are you going to live or die?

It comes down to that.

What I wanted to do with my own life was be an artist.

After I married that was taken away.




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