taking stock of freedom

This is something I am working on.  What freedom will look like.  I haven’t lost all the things I learned at all.  For years in the back of my garage is my pottery studio.  It’s just been sitting because I can’t get the kiln hooked up.  I wanted that.  This is one of mine:

There is so much I wanted to do.  But, I have not been able to because I feel so squelched.  It’s the energy field that is the hardest because it is like negative energy almost to the point where I feel imprisoned by it and non-free.  Everything depended on joint agreements.  Agreeing was never easy.  Plans were never easy.  I should have been strong enough to stick up for my own plans — I mean I am a feminist?  But no one ever knows the full weight of the patriarchy until marriage and how that starts to shift you.

I love men, but not controlling men.

So, this is about the parting of a road right now.

I have my grandfather’s tools, I can garden.

I can make pottery.

I need some land.

I will not be told how wrong my ideas are ever again.

Years ago I had the opportunity for some land in the place I wanted to live most.

I should have done that on my own.

Tonight, I’m going to a meeting for screenwriters and that makes me happy.  There are many things in this area that do.

The people here are really fab — it is a place for the arts, and artists.  The whole area is, actually.  So yesterday I was sitting in my car thinking of doing a landscape with some pastels.  I have those and my little camera with me at all times.  I’m trying to swim.  Breathe.  And eat.

Doing an inventory of things.  Survival.

I love to cook.  I will be able to again for friends.  Keep thinking that, is what I am telling myself.  Keep thinking that.

 

one of my little pots, glazed rutile blue

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