erosion

It’s subtle as it happens — a life being lorded over.

Later looking back you can see how your whole foundational structure was eroded — first by the parents and later by the relationships with men.

Without fathers, girls miss out on the fundamental things that give them confidence.

That is what happened to me.

In talking over these things, and thinking about my mother — the line of women in my family was pretty corrosive to each other.  But?  I watched this happen to my best friend too, so I am in no way unique.  At least she got to have children.

I’m tired.  Exhausted, actually.

I know one thing though — I am a really good person and I have helped many in my life when they needed my ego strength.

I’m not going to live where I am controlled or in fear, so, that is this morning’s decision.  We are in a period of Mercury Retrograde but the way I am processing that has to do with my midheaven in Leo because, well, it is in Leo.

The Leo part of me is what got eroded by narcissists who have been around me starting with the very negative mother and her introjects.

These chip and chip away at a child’s self esteem — the foundational parts of that.

So, think about cliffs at their bases.

Some mornings you wake up to the cold clear light of reality and it is harsh.

This is one of those.

There are certain things i feel I deserve from now on that are going to be for me.

Last night at an old friend’s I reviewed the last 27 years — went over it, and remembered myself in the before years.

How many things stopped about me once I entered this relationship?

Almost everything.

Since all the passings of parents it is easier to understand “who” you are?

In the before years I was an artist.

In the after years I will be that again.

In the before years people dropped by.

In the after years they will again.

What happened in the last few years, and the sadness, and the little house by the sea I wanted?

I wanted that 27 years ago and I was told NO.

It has always been the word no on everything.  This is how somebody takes control of another person and this is what the patriarchy has been doing since forever.

“What do you want me for?” he asked me in the early days.

“I’m only going to drag you down.”

“What are you talking about?” I probably said in response to that.

Somehow that phrase is really with me this morning.

I know one thing, I just can’t do this anymore.

I can’t.

I’m a happy person.

That has been eroded here.  My soul eroded here.

When I wrote my MA thesis on “The Piano,” I knew what I was looking at, obliquely.  It is the character of Stewart and what he did, and was.

Stewart lacked empathy for Ada.  He left the piano on the beach, when the piano was everything to her.

I have never been able to express what really matters to me here because I have learned to live in silence just like that character in the film.

This started with my mother — yesterday I realized that.  With a narcissist there is no room except for them, ever.  They take up all the space because it is always about them first.  This comes from having a void inside that is so huge it is like a cavern.

I think if you look at relationships as a kind of karma you can see.

I just need myself back.

In the 90’s when I saw this film I was becoming a therapist.

One good thing?

The training as a therapist really helps when you need to show motive in fiction — when you know the depths of that.

From now on, I will write the cure to be films because those are capable of moving audiences to heal.  That is what my thesis was about.

It doesn’t matter if I do one on one anymore.  I didn’t lose my education at all — I’m just putting it into healing fiction now.