truce

We came to a truce today, which is good.

Once upon a time, 27 years ago I wanted this place in my dreams.  A house that could be full of life and a child and roses and a white picket fence and all the rest.

To me marriage was about all that.

He really wanted to be married, badly.

Both of us had already had relationships that hurt us in the past and so looking back now, I can see that part of our karma was to be friends.

None of the dreams came true in terms of the child.

It hurts the most now because what point was my life as a woman without one?

Men in my generation didn’t want that responsibility.

Older men didn’t either.

Looking at the shell of the house pains me.

This morning  he said he was going to move out.

It’s like my soul is sitting in wreckage — this huge pile of utter wreckage right now.

Everything was so much of a fight, always.

I don’t know why.  We could never agree and finally I just gave up on myself and all my dreams and plans.  The house makes me feel so effing sad.  It’s really hard to e here right now because all I can see is the sad.

What am I going to do now?

That is what I am thinking this morning.

What am I going to do now?

One of the best things that has happened is that I am back in touch with old friends from the past.  Being back in touch has really helped me a lot.

I wanted friends and parties.

I did, because I love all that.

But the house began to embarrass me.  I wanted to fix it up.  I wanted to do things to it.  We did that once together when we started out.  We sanded floors, we painted, we planted gardens.

I’m having to take stock now, of it all.  I really am.

I have been so depressed since my mom passed and my career ended I haven’t known what to do.  I do realize though, that I have been in a place of non-support for my own dreams for years.

One thing about me?  I have spent years putting others first and now I just can’t do that anymore.  I really can’t.

I don’t even know how to say what I feel right now, but there are a lot of tears this morning.

At least for the moment we are at a place of truce, together.

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