negative introjects, and hurt — clarity

A negative introject is a way that a person can manipulate another.  It’s like a dart that a person hurls — except with words.

The job a therapist does is remove those by reframing reality.

Many years ago, at the beginning of the marriage I was given a free house.  There was a lot near this beach and it was only $98,000.  I said, “Can we do this?”

The answer was no.

So many times I had plans towards beauty that we could have achieved together.

Depression results when a person is invalidated over time again and again on every choice.

I’m alone in the house now.  He has gone.

I’m not different than other women who are going through a divorce.

I think the final straw was the abandonment after the layoff.

I was trying to build my practice, and he said, “what am I supposed to do?”

He did nothing.

Yesterday, I said, can you take some books you want?

My goal now that the house is going to be sold is that we empty it.

He said, “I’m hot.”

Everything was always about him.

It wasn’t about the two of us.

I can see how I had to accommodate myself.  27 years of accomodation.

On one hand as a therapist I can see and know.

On the other as a woman I can see how devastating this relationship has been to my soul.

Cruel, is the actuality of that.

In emotional abuse the spirit of the other person gets shredded until there is almost nothing left.  All these years the tenants came first.  All these years he came first.  Looking back, I wish I had gotten that lot on my own and moved the house there.  I would have been looking at the sunsets for years.

I used to buy things for the house and for him like tools in the early days, also I bought all his clothes and I had to choose all by myself because we never went shopping together, or to the market together.  Not really.

He always slept with his back to me.

I see that now as a terrible metaphor.

I’m very sad looking at the walls of the house, but yesterday I managed to square away an area.  I know he isn’t going to lift a finger around here.  So, what I am doing is looking towards Christmas now.  Last year it was so bleak and there was nothing.  This year, I am going to be able to have friends.  I will show you what I was able to do yesterday.









































I have some papers to drop off today.

No matter what happens next, I will never not have Christmas again.  Not ever.

I am going to be able to have my friends over once again.  I can’t wait.

Being here is looking at 27 years of the slow erosion of my bright happy self into something else.  In all of these years I was never able to buy any furniture.  There is almost nothing here.  So, moving will be easy when that happens.  Each day, I am going to photograph something I have done like this on the patio.  It helps give me great clarity, about who I am, when I am by myself.

The next thing I am going to do is paint the dining room white.  Over the years, I would bring homes cans and cans and cans of fresh paint, hoping that we would do it.  Those cans were never opened and they always went out to the garage where they sat, and sat, and sat.  After our parents passed I helped him paint the downstairs of their house — I helped him do a remodel so that would be fresh and clean.

What he has left me is rubble.

Each forward step, is a forward step.

I am going to have friends again.


11 thoughts on “negative introjects, and hurt — clarity

  1. What you are doing is moving counterclockwise to tha black hole.  I am interpreting this– your actions– but in no position to give you sage advice.  Nevertheless to get to  levels you long for continue your course.  Establish harmony and order.  You are built for this.  Even in the darkest days you shed light.  That.  Is genius and will.  I  Regret my absence but for your sake I will not go into details.  

    Live and Love Bonnaire:



    1. I want to talk to you so much and I can! I have a phone at least for now. Song, my friends can come and stay! Like you! yep. It’s a mess, but can be worked out. Thank you so much for this friendship, Song. I want to hear everything about what is going on for you and tell you about here. And please, you care coming out! YEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to walk on beach again! No kidding.


      1. I can’t tell you how much I missed your friendship. No kidding. Went to doctor today, in good hands. So much stress — high blood pressure for first time in life. Realized what she said, care of self. First time in life to do so. So have a story for you and pitcures.


  2. This is beautiful–this picture– before and after. See. It is harmony and beauty. A little corner of you–being here. I think the earrth rejoices that you are here. I know that.


  3.   This is so important/vital that you affirm your wondrous presence on this earth.  Nothing can erase the sea or your soul.  Nothing.  Ever. That which seems so–are shadows without substance.  
    What prices you have paid for even those pearls you have yet to discover.  I admire you so.
    I’m sorry to have been gone so long but I feel barely here myself.  I was compelled by your spirit to respond.  Something about order from chaos.  Maybe that is what is really the meta-physic of metaphysics.  Down to earth declarations with chairs ready for the sun on a patio.  (So the sylphs can dance on the bare tiles!) 


  4. High blood pressure. You must take care. Yoga. Yes. You know what to do. And then. Breathe. Just breathe deeply. I am glad you are in good hands. And you will be very healthy. Very.
    I’ve missed you too Bonnaire. So much. But I have been so utterly hopeless as never before. Here now. With you. I Ate today.


    1. You just keep talking to me then because we are both in the bleak, but we have a great friendship[! You can come out for a weekend? Plan that! It took you six hours. I will have food to cook, all it will cost is gas. To and fro. I had no idea how severe this was for me — it is. Remember two years ago? Anyway. Whatever happens next I will have my friends and build my health back. Your brother can give you a break, Song. You can come out.


  5. I’ll be ok. Focus. Focus on your health now. Maybe I can come sometime. Yes we do have a great friendship. Survivors. We are. I have thought of two years ago…so many times.


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