imbalances

I have had one night on the med.  Looked it up.  So, this is a depressive episode.  But?  I have to look at the reality of why I am in  one?  So this is to help with sleep and anxiety as well.

What is really had is being in this house because of what it represented in terms of marriage.

The faster I get out of here the better.

When I was married I wanted a child and I was planting my first roses.  That was 23 years ago.  My point in marrying was to do that.  We did not.  All we did was work.  I wanted to get a part time job and be able to stay home more.  He didn’t want that for me or for himself.  If he had he would have encouraged that.

So there was an imbalance even then.

I have no idea why I stayed afterwards so long.  I really don’t.

The model I had for marriage was my grandmother and father — theirs was beautiful.

I’ll show you my grandmother and my mother, because I am a blend of them.

You have to have support from a male in order to be a mother.  This requires taking a risk.  Will he support that?  This was my third and longest relationship.  I thought I could do that, here with him.  Build the nest.  Make the child.  Having to stay here is adding to my depression because I see all the lost dreams that didn’t happen.

The hours were very difficult at work.

My grandparents never had to work.

So they had plenty of time and money to raise their family.

There was a way I could have stopped working.  He didn’t want that.

I am reviewing the past that drenches the walls of this house.  I have been depressed here since 1990 I expect.

What a mess.  I’m finished with this.  I am a happy person.  I have had to carry the depression of a killjoy and a tightwad.

The next relationship will not be like that.  Am working on healing myself one day at a time.

I heard a really fab story from a man I know.  He said he had gone through a really bad period in his 50’s — he swam out as far as he could — a mile out intending to end it all.  He got caught up in the kelp beds and his shoes caused him to float.  So he rolled over on his back and floated and looked to the sky and saw all the stars.  He knew the presence of god was with him, then.

A man had watched from shore and soon the rescue boat came. He spent a few days in the hospital after that.  The Psych ward.  He’s alive and it is twenty or some years behind him now.

It’s almost time for lunch and I didn’t have breakfast yet.  Going to store.  Going to walk.  Have paperwork to do today.  Proud of what I accomplished yesterday that way.  Moving forwards, rebuilding life.  Looking to straighten out imbalances.