three meals

I went to the doctor today, and my blood pressure was too high.  This is the stress since 2000.  One thing.  People are taking care of me like the circle I am building.  Never have I been in such a dark place and afraid.  I have never thought of myself first, because I just have not in this lifetime.  But now?

The doctor had a prescription for me.  Meds.  An anti-depressant — first in my life — to get through this.  That bleak.  She said, you have to eat three meals a day.  I haven’t been able to eat for months.  Like a fast but not.

Something good I did was go see Marshall and the garden of his.  Also I placed an order for some stuff.  Food.  I have to try and eat three meals and exercise.  He is here.

I have to figure out how to eat, and drink water — also exercise.  I never had blood pressure.  Stress is off charts.  Can fix.

I am in good hands.  I know how to take care of myself.

His flowers in the garden are here, an orange zinnia.

I got too sad over not working.

I lost my identity.

Trying to eat Marshall told me a great story today.  About how the sea saved him once.

Sleep, perchance to dream.

Trying to eat.

Three meals.

Today I had two.

Tomorrow, three.

Paperwork to do, as well.

Stress, fear, since the layoff.  Hell.

Loss of my life, my plans, my dreams..

Three meals.

16 thoughts on “three meals

  1. Antidepressants. My doctor gave them to me when my father was dying. I went to see her and from out of my soul. I broke down. Crying. They were a godsend at the time.
    I remember once when you had no appetite that you drank a chocolate milk. Remember? You can do it. You can.

    Beautiful garden. I am so glad you went to see Marshalll. And may your circle of friends envelop you with all the lovingkindness you so deserve.
    Beautiful flower. Give yourself water as you would that flower.

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    1. You can meet Marshall when you come out! It’s really hard to eat but today will get some things — a few from his garden, some milk. Eggs are okay. I did cry, just like that — it’s all the losses, so sad and when I wrote Heart of C I think I was at lowest ebb. Better now than then. Away from the pain will be new life. It will take a year. I have no idea how I had the emotional strength to go through what I did. Song thank you once again because I know these are temp? Have never taken meds. Have no plan to stay on them — my cure is ecopsych — health first. But this time? I was crying too much. So, right now I am following the advice of three people and it’s working. I feel stronger. I can’t wait until you can come out Song — to visit again — I have a guitar! You can play and sing! Now tell me what is going on — I know part but what else?

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  2. Yes. I understand the losses. Totally. Believe me here. Though with you “loss” has not been my personal focus. It is your talent(s) and actualization such as Heart of Clouds which you brought to light from the darkest place. This.
    Is Miraculous. You bring to me the sense of the miraculous. The fact that you brought and bring beauty to the world from the mire and mud. Well it is creation. It is the recognition of the “ought” which makes such beauty. Nothing else. And those wno argue subjective beauty have litttle clue what transcendent beauty is. Because. This is life. This is the affirmation of lif.
    And this is one of many reasons I lift my voice in writing to you.

    Now as down as I am. I must tell you again and again.

    Now. Meds. They will restore chemical balance hopefully. I don’t know what you are taking. See. But when I was down…welll beyond that actually… My doctor explained to me why I could not fix myself. I was determined you know. A purist. But the meds helped. Relief. Don’t berate yourself for this. Just be sure they help. And eat.

    Please. Ok?

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      1. I’m happy you got yourself some food! !!!!! You know? I never made that pie? Man that sounded good. You make food sound good…..Which is hard to do really.

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      2. I will blog what I am making so you can see. I have to try and eat three meals, exercise. I’m so sad. Also book was rejected. So, okay. Going to see if can get help from female writer i know who is fab. I am too low. Also progressed moon on moon right now, very diff transit. My whole age bracket is going through this transit now.

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  3. As for music. My. The silence of the absence of it is deafening. You named me “song”…… It was perfect. Only you could have done that.

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  4. The realizations. I am having those too. Different situations. But? I prefer my oblivion and ignorance. I knew I always had a stupid spot. I solaced myself with the idea of nature’s compensatory laws. Now? Geez.
    Its late and I can barely see what I am typing.

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  5. Well some fools rejected Harry Potter too. Best for you to go with your intuition. Don’t know who? But know that I KNOW re: H o C. Yes.

    I am dumb? But rarely wrong. Go figure.

    Ps: don’t know Saturn from Neptune. I love the stars and planets! The stars love me. and you. I! But I will do as you suggest!

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  6. Thank you for sharing this. Re: Saturn. So no wonder things feel so slow. I guess to counteract I must square my efforts. God. I am so tired. But it seems like the logical answer. I am certain that we all have reserve energy. But it comes from an inner unused source…. Free from. Um. Habit.

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    1. Saturn — tough transits every time. The second return marks a pinnacle? So this is that. Am thinking maybe self-pub and a friend might help me? Set it up for that. I hope so. I want to call? Not sure what is a good time to reach you. Anyway, you can come out! One weekend once I have scrubbed more! And have a bed for you to sleep in. By Christmas it might be better.

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