rebuilding my identity

One step at a time.  One breath at a time.  Day 7 anti-d.  I have paperwork to do today.  And tomorrow.  And the next day.  There is so much to be done and this makes me feel slower.  Than usual.  Seriously.  Yesterday talked about that.  All my life I had to jump to attention for others starting with my mother and continuing on into workplaces.  There was this brief period — the summer of 1984 — when I felt free.

I went to the beach that year all summer.  I had a part time job as a proofreader.

I lived in a great apartment.

I had my first credit card.

That November third was our first date.  November 3, 1984.

Half my life.

Yesterday, I felt like myself, briefly.  For one thing, I thought about my art table and that I might do a painting — start one — a big abstract watercolor.  I can’t eat.  No hunger.  She said, if you don’t you will go down fast.  I have to try.  Yesterday I went out for lunch and walked along the breakwater.  I was able to eat because it was this:

Not hungry, this morning.  At all.

So the question arises, why is it hard to feed yourself?  All your life you fed others.  Hmmm.

It’s hot out with the thick air that is Indian Summer here.  Yesterday I thought that this slowness is better, maybe.  Anyway, I was thinking about how much like a man I have had to be in my life, on the job, in corporate — Fuck.  I never got a chance to be feminine.  Effing ever.

I am right now.  I am starting a new era in my life where I am going to get to be a woman.  Yesterday I wore a skirt.  I liked it.  So, knowing that I am going to have to do all this paper stuff, I had a thought about what “I” wanted to do.  Big first for me, no kidding.

She said yesterday — you have been in a blur for 27 years.  Maybe I have.  Dunno.

What I did was get a couple of pretty dishes from Portugal.  These symbolize the era I am moving into.  Also, eating off of these will make me feel happier.  Much happier.  In all these years, I have never had sets.  Sets are something I am working towards right now.  Sets of dishes, being able to eat again, and generalized prettiness.  I am going to bring my friend Linda over here tonight maybe.  She is one of the best people I know, and she is a fabulous decorator too.  We both like the sort of French style seen in shabby chic — well i like that mixed with oriental rugs and stuff, but, since I have no $ per se, will scrounge that look up.  Really needs to rethink that thought about money and worth.  Does not having a job make me worthless?  No.

I was at my happiest that summer in 1984.  I worked four hours a day.

That is going to be a good template for me.  Four hours a day.  Am going to do that four hours today.  Next is a plan for eating.  She said, carry it with you and drink water, lots of water.  I have noticed I haven’t been and my breathing isn’t deep, either.  She said it was the stress.  Yes, the stress.

We didn’t have the sort of wedding where you were on a registry.

There were no wedding presents, except from all my friends who were potters at that time.  I still have some of those things! xxoo!

Maybe I can get my studio going again.  Maybe.  In the meantime?  Here is what I got yesterday…

Looking at them makes me very happy.

Very, very happy.

So did wearing that white eyelet skirt yesterday.  It really did.

I walked out along the breakwater after lunch and the sea air was good.  I talked to two fisherman in Spanish and wished them luck.  I watched the sailboats, and thought about how I love it there.

I can see living on a boat.  I’m not kidding.


I really need to be by the water.

It is very calming to me, anywhere there is water…

The sea, part of me.

So, I am going to use these new plates and out go the old ones that my mother gave me — plain white ones.  I have some of my grandmother’s little antique ones and I like Limoges.  Old ones.  They can be had in antique stores.  So, junking around a little — just looking.

I am definitely in a slowed-down state and can only attribute that to this anti-d.

This morning — yogurt and chocolate almond milk.

For lunch a half sandwich — maybe a peach, too.

Trying.  Need a lot of water.  Trying.

She said, “Carry a picture of yourself as a child and tell it you love her.”

Say: “I promise to take care of you.”

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