loss, pain & the last decade…

The eve of September 11th.  I remember it as if it were yesterday.  The horror of watching TV over and over that morning.  My friend Melinda calling me so early in the morning, crying.  I was at a yoga class, and we all cried.  The shock.  I had two clients back to back that afternoon.  One was a Vietnam vet and one was a woman from the Middle East who had fled here because she said her son might be taken from her because over there the father has the rights, not the mother — to the children.

How I held that tension that day, I’m not sure.  Because both of them held such differing views of the event.  You can imagine what the vet might have said.

It seems as if that event is a marker for the spiral of the last ten years.  I just looked at the news on Google.  Bank of America is laying off 40,000 people.  The American Post Office as we have known it is closing down.  I’m not sure what country we are living in anymore.

My life is getting simpler and simpler and I don’t mind at all.  The years 2000-2006 were nothing but death and pain — the layoff, then my quitting the paper because of that — the humiliation of having to go to work after they fired my husband.  The indecency of the company.

It’s been a really bad decade.  Really bad.  This is day ten anti-d.

All those hours I gave away to try and help people as an intern therapist, non-paid.  What a dumb career move, but, in my heart I know I helped many people so my karma is clean — so clean.o anyway here is a picture of what the house will look like colorwise on the outside as I start tthe mammoth task of painting it all by myself…

We are in separate houses now.

I want it to be peaceful.  I do.  The contractor and I  went around and saw the things that need taking care of.  A bunch is cosmetic, and a little will require him.  I saw this house when it was being built, and then I saw the paint colors.  It’s really pretty…

So, my work is cut out for me around here.  Today I worked all day in the kitchen — I packed boxes for him to take.  He didn’t take them.

Maybe he will tomorrow.  They were just dishes he said he wanted, anyway, and some glasses he likes from Italy that had blue bottoms with tiny bubbles in the glass.

Painting away the pain, is what a friend said.

So after this weekend the kitchen, the laundry room and the breakfast nook will be scrubbed and reorganized.  Also, some flowers will be planted.

I’m just looking at this as how I was before we met.

I was always decorating.

My places had charm.

Friends dropped by all the time.

In 1984.

In 2011, I realize how hard I worked for that MA, how hard I worked for that corporation.

This new incarnation of myself is female all the way.

I realized today that my grandmother trained me to be like she was?

I would have made the perfect wife for an executive.  I’m a gourmet cook.  I have a BA in Art History.

Ah, well.

Still can’t eat.  No hunger.  So hard.  But I did a lot of work today — physical work was better than looking at the news and being worried about the world.  Personally I am more worried about the climate change and the pollution in the ocean than most things.  I see it as the world needing to work to solve these problems in tandem.

In order to do that?

The whole world would need to stop making war.

Maybe I’m going to live on a boat after this.  Just sail.  Dunno.

I think it is going to get a lot worse for our country before it gets better.

It’s not clear why were are in such a mess, but, all the vacant stores in my town really show the truth about California.  So sad.  My state.

Globalization is part of that.  It’s hard to see how the country is going to turn a corner.  I’m going to make art and write books.  From now on.

I’m looking toward Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I’m going to decorate and have friends over.  I am.  That thought is keeping me going right now.  I went to low.  I did.  Have to climb out, now.


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