Orange for the orange chakra.
No sure how I am in this corner — how I got to be here, but yesterday or the other I heard him very clearly when he said, “just shut up and listen to me.”
I wrote it down.
It was like I heard the vise I have been living under all these years.
Day fourteen anti-d.
A bit better.
The first five days I could have offed myself. No kidding. This is only temp for me, because, I have no plans to be on pills. Nope.
Less crying, ability to feel a small slice of order in my life.
All these years why couldn’t I come first?
Why was it parents, tenants, him…
I want to go up to the Sur and sleep under the redwoods by the river. Walk the beaches. Be held.
Am cleaning. Am reorganizing. He isn’t packing his things. I have to. It’s slow.
There is nothing, really.
What haven’t I lost?
My own style.
Refleshing that out right now.
I am trying to breathe.
I am trying to eat.
This morning cereal. This morning paperwork. This morning I feel underwater. 27 years of listening to the above. Hard to sort out. What it implies is — “YOU KNOW NOTHING.”
I think that is emotional abuse you know? I do.
Each day apart makes all of that clearer.
Before, I had flowers all the time.
This was only $8.00 worth of glads.
Friends coming over, today and Saturday.
Each day another step. Each day another room. Brighter. But it’s like swimming up and away.