small floating world…

My grandmother used to float camellias.  My mother gave me this large garden bowl — so I created this out of water and a few flowers.

It stills the mind to look at flowers floating in a sea.

I woke up feeling so sick this morning.  Sick to my stomach.  Maybe how hard this is is related to life, after all the deaths and the sorrows in the last decade.  I feel anxious, that may be the pills?  I looked it up, all the side effects.

I don’t know.  They have sort of thrown me off-kilter a bit and I don’t like it.

I gave up myself, here.  Maybe I gave up on myself?

I’m not sure.

There is a huge mess waiting to be cleaned up.

I am creating pockets of beauty.

Friends are coming by.

Still, I feel very frightened.  He brought Blossom by.  Here she is.  Her furry self.  I miss her.  It is hard when he comes by.  I haven’t gone up there.

I am not going to take this anti-d anymore.  I don’t like what it is doing to me at this two week period, at all.  I would rather cry, breathe, eat and do yoga.  That is how I am going to get through this.  Not in the blur.  I’m serious on that.  I would rather feel my feelings than be in this blur state.  What I am going to do is think about the path ahead.  That is what I have to do, starting today.  The depression is related to the cruel losses and this sense of non-identity because not having a role.

What role?

I expect it is the supressed feminine.

Well, eff that.

I have to find, or remember who I was at 28, in the before.  I can.  I will concentrate on friends as angels right now.  I will.  My whole life was given over to others in the past.  Now is about finding self.  Refinding my true self.  This anti-d makes me feel worse.  I’m hungry.  Going to have dinner, take a long bath.  No wonder I have been depressed here.  I had no say.  He was able to change my voice so that it stopped speaking.  When I was writing my thesis this was one of the books I quoted.  It’s a good one.

“Just shut up and listen to me.”

Right.

I will never be this silent again in a relationship.  Not ever.  Need to eat, breathe, move and dance.  Need to fall in love with somebody who loves me back.  Really loves me.  In a relationship dialogue counts a lot.  I’m going to take a huge bath and watch a movie tonight.  Yep.  I am.  This is part of the grief process after so much loss.  This feeling of being suddenly awake.

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