I always feel it. Right around now when the light is changing fast and slanting — the snap in the air last night, the cool fog this morning that wafted around the corners of the house — the fall spiders hanging everywhere.
I think it has been two weeks.
There is a feeling in the pit of my stomach after 27 years. I stopped the anti-d. Two nights now. Don’t want it, ugh. It made me feel horrible, terrible, worse. The house is going to be my responsibility, I can tell. It’s like having to be here in this horror with the progressed moon coming on exact October 22. Not sure what it will mean.
I need to speak with him about what needs to be paid, accomplished. He isn’t here. Not today.
It’s been so long since I have been on my own I can barely remember how. So long since I have thought of him first. How to get myself back? How?
So much loss, years, time, sadness, deaths, things to be dealt with.
I am anxious if he is here, anxious if he isn’t.
I wish that I wasn’t here, dealing with these memories.
If he had loved me he would have listened to me about that Victorian.
I’m here, where everything happened between us. So hard.
I found a place in the Sur for rent on C’s List. Wish I was there. God.
No love for years. Why?
Everything spiders and webs around here. What a mess.