tristesse, autumnal

I always feel it.  Right around now when the light is changing fast and slanting — the snap in the air last night, the cool fog this morning that wafted around the corners of the house — the fall spiders hanging everywhere.

I think it has been two weeks.

There is a feeling in the pit of my stomach after 27 years.  I stopped the anti-d.  Two nights now.  Don’t want it, ugh.  It made me feel horrible, terrible, worse.  The house is going to be my responsibility, I can tell.  It’s like having to be here in this horror with the progressed moon coming on exact October 22.  Not sure what it will mean.

I need to speak with him about what needs to be paid, accomplished.  He isn’t here.  Not today.

It’s been so long since I have been on my own I can barely remember how.  So long since I have thought of him first.  How to get myself back?  How?

So much loss, years, time, sadness, deaths, things to be dealt with.

I am anxious if he is here, anxious if he isn’t.

I wish that I wasn’t here, dealing with these memories.

If he had loved me he would have listened to me about that Victorian.

I’m here, where everything happened between us.  So hard.

I found a place in the Sur for rent on C’s List.  Wish I was there.  God.

I do.

No love for years.  Why?

Everything spiders and webs around here.  What a mess.