Dreamstime is exploring how people cope under such intense pressure that? managed to get to the 25,000 mark this morning. Which is good. So pressure in my outer life right now I feel I will burst so. Here is something from this morning. The pov kind of forces stream of consciousness style. it just does, and so that is one way of getting the words out, but will be edited later.
What it is about is the search for love.
It’s about the pressure people in America feel right now.
It’s about death, and virtue, and remembering past loves.
It’s also not edited, but somehow it is a miracle to be on page 62 this morning. It is.
He had the candleholder that was a lump of ice. I looked at it for the longest time. Remembering, so many years ago. Remembering the Christmas he gave that to me, so long ago. The long underwear he gave me. The two of us laughing in bed, tumbling over each other. The way he held my cat. All the animals over the years, the way he buried them. Each one a burial. Stones that mark the graves.
Even our house a graveyard, in a sense. The stones as markers for each one. Gardens we planted. Gardens we started.
* * *
I wanted it to be a dream. My marriage. I wanted all of it to be a dream and it was, on the boat out at sea. Sailing with the leaping dolphins, prow into the clear cut jewel of the deep blue vastness.
He wouldn’t reef, and we needed to reef, we needed to reef and he never listened to me when I was so scared I could jump out of my skin with the fear, jumping shaking inside.
Got to 25,000. It matters. Really, it does.
Needs 1667 today, again, to be on track. Most of the day is going to be trying to solve things. Frightening things.