The Father Wound — my memoir “pornographer’s daughter”

The last few days I have been in contact with some of the people who knew or worked with my father, or at least the man I called daddy up to age 14.

This is him in London, the last trip he took with my mother — trying to patch up their relationship.  This part of the memoir is hardest to write, because it is about finding he and my uncle Spencer Crilly aka Zoltan Spencer.

It was really hard to be fatherless, and so — I am tracking his life post mom.  Frankly I think she broke his heart, but that isn’t something I heard from her.

I read his obit over at the AVN. 

I had been writing parts of a memoir called “whitegirrrl” off and on, but after the Writer’s Conference this year — and the workshops I took — plus listening to Walter Halsey Davis talk about a screenplay in which a daughter goes to find her father, and because this is reality based memoir — I found the bookends for the theme and the time period.

Mostly I am thinking of my brother and I.

And the girls who are 4th wave emerging feminists.  I was one, and am one.  And so all the girls who were in dad’s films?

I am the flip side of what you were.  The flip side.

I will track down every inch of my father in his surfing films and his pornography films because of what my mother did to the two of us.

While I’m at it I will resurrect my uncle as well.

I’ve been a little angry over the whole deal for the last few days, I really have.  But, I am able to see dad now through the eyes of the people that knew him, and there are new things I didn’t know.

For instance his sense of humor.