not sure i’m going to ever know who it was worse for
only that it hurt, more than you can imagine
the parents who fought
the series of lies
the drunken rages my mother flew into
age 8 is when the hypervigilance sets in
the shyness, the constant scan for terror, terrifying to a child
non-constancy, abandonment
perpetual fear
13 years is too long Valdez said once
for you, or for me
and now it’s fourteen
for a long time I thought that it was my fault
but it wasn’t, he did just what he wanted
as all of us do
until last night and then when you said it, it was music
and I said
I’m not missing it, not missing you for the world
that not even my fear of being hurt again
could stop this much release, this much bottled laughter
mirth rising volcanic
the virginal wasteland like a pure snowdrift
to the hilt again
up love alley
I don’t know how you fell from the sky like a petal
but I never felt this able
this open
this much dream
after awhile
you learn that people aren’t going to hurt you
you differentiate bad from good
the drunks around the table Valdez kept
they weren’t my class
I couldn’t stay
the body shuts like a mechanism after love like that
can’t permit things lesser than
out of the sky a petal fell
you don’t have to be afraid
that’s all you need to know
the best thing that was ever said came last night for no reason
like a clear running stream
like water in a rapids
like the plunge into clear
I took it like a shiny penny
the kind you toss into fountains
you can’t help that you were born that way
that a million women would crash and burn at your feet
or a million men
or that you’d be tender to extremes
all I can tell you is I’m not missing it
I wouldn’t miss you for the world
if you meant that
VALENTINE BONNAIRE - WRITER 