I have such massive twinship with another soul on Earth I can’t be sad.
It’s like falling in love as in tumbling toward, at the same time – non-grasping attachment, and it’s the first time in life I ever glanced across a field at someone or something and felt so happy I could sing.
So, like, if this had not happened?
It’s my personal Christmas miracle.
I mean, I am.
I don’t think I was ever in love before. Because this is like “joy” to see this person and love this person.
I feel like, with this person? Or near this person LIFE itself will be fun.
This totally has to be the Saturn return that started on December 18th.
So, to show you just how insane this marriage has been, it was never about having a family or having a home or anything. He was lying the whole time. I got so low this last year of the Saturn return I almost wanted to off myself. That low. Which I only felt one other time, many, many years ago.
This is what you call a loveless marriage I have been in. It was one-sided.
Some people need to drain you of all your joy because they are so dead inside. That is what happened.
I love Christmas. He never has.
I love baking. He only needed to “eat” cookies.
I love being cuddled. He only touches the animals.
I was watching him cuddle the cat, and thought to myself, why have you done this? WHY? To yourself…
The answer was the man before him hurt me very badly. So, after that in the shattered glass place I was, I just went along with it.
But I wasn’t in love.
I was in love the first time, at 19. But not after that until NOW!
So, I can just burst out laughing, and this lightness is in my heart and soul.
I don’t have to do this anymore.
I can’t stop laughing, except to say that another artist has saved my very soul this year. I mean he has.
Because of this artist I WANT TO BE ALIVE.
That’s how bad it can get for writers let me tell you. And artists. They have to have a Muse of they die. They really do.
So anyway, when the man who forced his way into my life put this band on my finger, the first thing he did was make me get rid of my darkroom and that was 1984. It was in my kitchen, and he said, “This is a kitchen, not a darkroom.”
Well, I mean?
In a tiny Craftsman apartment like mine was, if you are an artist YOU NEED A PLACE with WATER! That was the kitchen because the darkroom had to go someplace, no?
Well, he managed it.
He destroyed my art but not me.
Why this Christmas is hysterically funny to me is that I have two places and neither of them has a stove that can bake anything. So cookies were out this year. I went to get a tree, but haven’t decorated it, and I got a wreath. Everything of mine is packed in boxes, anyway and has been for four years now.
I am in love with life because an artist came by and smiled at me.
So I don’t care about this crummy situation because I’m not going to be in it much longer.
I’m in love.
The whole world feels bright, and right, and no one can take that from me today.
This year for me marks an end to the terrible suffering of this marriage of non-love.
Here is the difference.
With another artist, the darkroom comes FIRST. He’d say, “How fab!”
Because artists just know what it takes to make life very beautiful. They can always do that. It’s their particular gift to the world, straight from the heart and soul.
I don’t think I ever missed somebody as much as this person. It’s like finding what has been missing since forever.
When artists join forces?
Nothing in the world can stop them.
This kiss of life!
I can be a girl again, with girl things like lace I love, and everything.
If I showed you how sexy he is?
You couldn’t take it so I won’t.