landscape…

I was out with some painters in the field yesterday — a new teacher who paints shadow into light.  The refuge was walled off from the sea ages ago and so in summer it gets very dark, almost an olive green with rushes and pale blue shimmering highlights.  Ducks and other birds land there — also blue dragonflies like this picture.

Today I get to see my fav teacher again.

The best art teachers I have had leave their students pretty much alone?

Michael is like that.  He gives you a lot of freedom in the class.

Last night I went into a room in the house that I have to face down.  I was looking at my old career and the boxes and all the hours I spent at that.  There were papers from the time my mother passed, too.  It’s a room that I have to deal with.  Actually this whole situation is what I have to deal with.  I want to just run away — but it is never really possible to run.  That is why I wanted that house — to get away.

It is almost impossible here to change things.  I can’t.

This is a pattern that has been ongoing for 25 years.  One quarter of a century.

These stages of grieving have taken their toll on me.  I just don’t want to live like this in perpetual grief.

So, today I am going again to be among the living.

The room can wait.

I saw the dragonfly against the reeds and it was huge.  You usually see red ones in the backcountry — but this huge blue one was in the refuge, yesterday.

Anyway — yesterday he used an Alizarin wash as backdrop.  It was interesting how dark the painting was after that.  Michael uses a cadmium orange in his — I usually like to paint on white?  I think because of my training once in watercolor.  I just like that light canvas underneath for some reason.  So, I was watching how dark paintings are built, and thinking about the painter’s eye and how different that is for each of us.

How we see light and color.

So, he painted yesterday like a dragonfly, a little.  Flying and landing movements with the tiniest brushes.   It was interesting to watch.  For some reason I just don’t like to work on small paintings so it gets “simplified” into an abstraction maybe because you have to cover a lot of area fast in a three hour period.

It was such a small dark painting, in a way — but he caught the olive hues and made it very moody with a naples yellow sky.

Even the highlights were naples yellow.  On the green of the water.  It was interesting to see the  Alizarin popping through, dunno.

Ah well.

This is just an incredibly difficult period of life for me — the whole last years since 2002.  I just want to pull up out of it and change something to get away from all this grief.  This house reminds me of that.  It really does.

I can’t seem to breathe any life here.

It’s not as if everyone on the planet isn’t going to go through loss, except mine was like an erasure of my whole identity — and building what will be next requires big decisions.

One thing I found in that room full of history was a really great coat i bought, that I forgot I bought.

It’s totally perfect for winter — grey curly faux fur and knee length.  I used to buy all my clothes (professional) at the place I bought it… linen clothes — kind of baggy, loose suits?

I’m tossing them.

I think I’m going to wear my Palinesque pumps with jeans, now.

I’m trying to figure it all out, day by day…

Not easy.

Anyway, going to clean my palette, just in case we are going to paint today — someplace.

Nothing could be more difficult than being in that room, for me, right now.  Nothing.

11 thoughts on “landscape…

  1. Then don’t go in that room. That is my knee jerk reaction.

    Therapists, counselors, etc. Believe always in confronting things.

    I have never accepted that. There is a time for everything, including these rooms. But not now, is what your heart and mind are saying to you.

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  2. I can only spend a little time in there, I’m serious. But? I have to clean it out — I really do. I just wish he would have understood and helped me get that house. He had no plans to do that though.

    I really want to get out of this one. That room represents a lot of things that never happened here.

    You know those times in life you feel you need to change everything?

    Well…

    Anyway.

    Dunno.

    I had a client once, who went through the same thing — she was telling me about it over and over in session and she couldn’t stop crying.

    I never thought I’d end in a similar situation — really hard looking at that old career in papers — I’m boxing it.

    Do I ever want to run away.

    I do.

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  3. Remember to treat yourself like your client. This is the best thing you can do. You need to let your inner therapist, be good to you..to allow you the space and understanding required for your own inner healing.

    You cannot place unfair demands on yourself.

    Only a little time on certain days, and maybe then, not at all for many.

    Build up your life memories. Gather the beauty of life.

    Nature is your living room.

    **********

    When we meet, remind me to recite a song lyric, I wrote many years ago..

    called Treasure

    Someday I might sing again.

    I know this place Bonnaire

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  4. I am so glad you did that.

    Absolutely, the rest will follow. Some pathways we choose already exist in us holding a life of their own,

    Everyday, I am grateful for having met you.

    Everyday.

    For all of the pain in my past?

    I wouldn’t have missed you for the world, Bonnaire.

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  5. I found this quote today and thought to send it to you:;

    Kierkegaard

    The aesthetic in a person is that by which he spontaneously and immediately is what he is.

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    1. You should just post that? Serious…
      It’s really early but I’ll go plug in my phone of you want to call.

      Hey, that is a really high level philosopher, no?
      I should have spent more time with him than Sarte on the page….
      haha.

      No I’m serious on that….
      existentialism only goes so far….

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  6. Not yet, Bonnaire. I am not ready to have a fatwa issued against me…’

    I need to be wise..

    Absolutely existentialism only goes so far..I was in the state known as existential despair at 32…

    ah well….can’t say I didn’t give it a run.

    No taking into account the essence of a human being…

    I am not so certain however that exsitential despair does not precede

    the understanding of our essence.

    **********

    I believe our friendship is a friendship of essence…

    that is why I am so happy, so glad we have “met”

    love to you

    rr

    Like

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